Twilighting the Eclisped New Moon
by Panda's-Need-Love-Too
Summary: This is a crack ficm read at your own risk, my sister and I wrote this and i dont know what we were smoking but it must have been good


**This is a complete crack fic, I dont remember how it started but my sister and I somehow got this after going on a rant about something, if you like it yay! if you hate it meh I dont really care I think i may have been high on something when this was written :P**

The early morning hours of the day were cool, the winter months were always cruel but this particular day seemed to be the worst day of winter so far, sleet covered windows and blanketed the sidewalk were people were walking rugged up in multiple layers of warm clothing.  
Things were peaceful enough but in a city as large as Manhattan things couldn't stay that way forever, already a body had been discovered in one of the dark alleys.

M.E Melinda Warner had already arrived at the scene and was currently looking over the body of the victim and expecting it. The victim was a young man in his late teens, already Melinda had discovered two tattoo's on the body, the first was a tribal designed circle on his upper right arm and the second was one on his lower back that read, _'Werewolves Rule, Vampires Drool' _in perfect cursive writing.  
Melinda had also discovered a foreign object lodged within the victim's rectal cavity, a black flag with blood red writing on both sides, each side said _'Team Edward and Bela'._

It was at that particular moment two officers arrived at the crime scene, Detective Ilsa Couri of the Special Victims Unit and Agent Alaesha Ohtake of the FBI.  
The two young women crossed the police tap and approached Melinda, "What have you got for us Melinda?" Ilsa inquired when she was close enough.  
"The victim is in his late teens, I'd say either seventeen of eighteen. The cause of death is most likely asphyxiation; see the bruising around the neck?" With that Melinda pointed to his throat were purple bruises littered the victim's skin, "I'd say he had a ruptured colon as well."

"What makes you say that?" Alaesha asked.

"Someone sodomised him with a flag" Melinda said as she waved her hand towards the flag she had removed from the victim.  
"From the looks of these tattoo's I'd say he was a Twi-Hard" Melinda explained.

"What the fuck is a Twi-Hard? A new gang or something?" Ilsa asked with a confused expression on her face.  
Alaesha scoffed loudly, "Could be. Their Twilight fans, they grow in numbers every day"  
A look of horror came across the young SVU Detective's face and the she fled to the nearest trash can and upheaved the contents of her stomach into it.

The FBI Agent cast a somewhat concerned look Ilsa way, "You ok?" She asked.  
Ilsa lifted her right hand and gave Alaesha and Melinda and unsteady thumbs up before continuing her vomiting.  
Alaesha kneeled down beside Melinda and started examining the body, the flag and the tattoo's before sighing and look at the M.E, "Yeah, he was definitely a Twilight Fan"  
From behind them the noises of Ilsa violently vomiting into the trash can could be heard.

* * *

Later on during the day Detective Couri and Agent Ohtake were sitting inside the SVY squad room and were currently discussion the case with the other SVU Detectives and with Captain Donald Cragen, "Ok guys we need to figure out who did this and we need to figure it out quickly. What was the victim's name again?"

Alaesha leant Ilsa shoulder and examined the case notes on the Detective's desk, "Says here the victims name was Jaceb White Sir."  
Ilsa gave a loud snort and rolled her eyes, "Are you sure it wasn't Bella and Edward that did it?" she inquired sarcastically.  
Detective Elliot looked at Ilsa with a confused expression, "What?"

Ilsa sat up a little straighter, "Well what was he a fan of? What controlled his every moment and consumed his entire life?" Ilsa asked dramatically.

Alaesha shuddered, "Twilight"  
Ilsa raised a brown paper bag, that had magically appeared out of nowhere to her mouth and vomited violently into it.  
Cragen looked at the young women with an odd expression, "Do you need a mint or something?" He inquired.  
"No I'm good" Ilsa said as she stood, uncaring she threw the bag over her shoulder and pointed dramatically towards the doors, "Let's go team!"

* * *

Ilsa and Alaesha now sat in the house of Jaceb White's house and were talking to his father, "I'm very sorry for your loss Mr White"  
The sniffling man wiped a stray tear from his eye before looking at the young women, "Please call me Willy"  
Across the room Ilsa snorted loudly, "Sorry for your loss Willy"

"I just can't understand why anyone would want to do this to my pup"  
The two women looked at each, "You're what Sir?" Ilsa asked.  
"You know, my pup, my boy, my kid!"

Again they looked at one another, "Oh right, um…If we could perhaps have a look around his room, it might help us figure out who did this." Ilsa  
Willy looked up at the young detective and smiled, "Feel free too, my kennel is your kennel.  
Both the girls looked around the house, "Okay…Thank you" Ilsa said awkwardly.

* * *  
_  
_The door to Jaceb's white room closed and Ilsa rubbed her hands together "Ok" She sighed, "Let's see what we can find" With that she looked around the room and saw the walls decorated in numerous posters of both wolves and werewolves, said posters included Benicio Deltoro and Taylor Lautner, there were also a large number of books scattered around the room.

_How To Unleash Your Inner Wolf _and the lesser _How To House Train Your Inner Wolf_ and of course _Moon Howling For Dummies.  
_The young Detective scoffed before turning to her partner who had just picked up a wooden picture frame from a desk, "Hey Ilsa, what do you think of this?"

Ilsa walked over and observed the picture, "A photo of him and his girlfriend maybe?"  
"If this is him, then why is his head tan and the rest of his body pale?"

Ilsa blinked "Good question" With that said she took the picture from Alaesha and removed it from the frame and removed Jaceb's head from the photo, "Oh you have to be fucking kidding me!" Ilsa said as she threw her arms up.

"Who are they?"  
Ilsa dropped the photo and rolled her eyes, "Maybe its Edward Cullen and Bella Swan" She answered rather sarcastically.

Alaesha moved over to his computer and brought up a view internet files, "No, no Edward Cullen or Bella Swan, but he did add Fredwood Kullen and Stella Duck as friends on Facebook, Myspace and Twitter" Alaesha answered.  
"Oh fuck me" Ilsa sighed to herself.  
With their new found information the women left Willy White's house.

* * *

Slowly the detectives pulled up to the address they had retrieved from Fredwood Kullen's Facebook account, when the two women stepped out of the car they looked around flabbergasted.  
Before them was a large white house surrounded by a lush green forest and shrubbery, for a moment the two of them were silent until Ilsa spoke.

"What the fuck? What is a house and a forest doing in the middle of Manhattan? How the fuck did it get here?"  
"Ilsa!" Alaesha snapped before bringing her right hand down upon Ilsa cheek, stopping her from yelling anymore, "Pay attention, we had a job to do" Alaesha snapped at her before the two of them began moving towards the house.

The two of them climbed the steps slowly, "Besides their Twihards" Alaesha finally spoke, only to stop walking when Ilsa threw up into one of the bushes beside the steps, Ilsa wiped her mouth on the back of her hand before continuing to climb up the stairs.  
"They'll do anything to be like the characters"

* * *

Alaesha knocked on the door, a few moments later a young girl answered the door.  
"Who are you?" she asked

"I'm Agent Ohtake and this is Detective Couri, we're looking for Fredwood Kullen and Stella Duck"

"Are you supposed to be Alice?" Ilsa asked, only to get a death glare from the girl.

"Unlike those fucking twihards" "she paused as Ilsa threw up in a near by pot plant "I'm not obsessed with Twilight"

The two women wonder upstairs to find Fredwood and Stella in his bed room which consisted of multiple stacks of CD's and a black couch, nothing else.  
They introduce themselves and flash their badges.

Fredwood stood up and took what he thought was a threatening stance "I am a vampire!" he yelled at them "I'm not scared some fucking pigs!"

Ilsa and Alaesha looked at each other then back at him "Boo"  
Fredwood scream a high pitched wail, grabbing Stella and pull her onto his back, she wrapped her arms and legs around him, he turns and runs towards the window, getting ready to leap out, he jumps, and hit's the panel with a loud thump, ricocheting off and landing on top of Stella.

Ilsa and Alaesha just stand there and cringe.__

***

The two women look at one another then at the two kids sitting across the other side of the table.

"Are you sure you don't want a lawyer?" Ilsa asks "Or your parents or something?"  
Stella did the whole z-snap thing "Nah, we proud of what we did"  
Fredwood wrapped an arm around her and announced proudly "Team Edward and Bella For the Win!"

"You know what you did right?" Alaesha askes, confused by the way the kids are acting.

"We murdered him. Hit him with our car and dragged him down the alley, we left him with the flag as a reminder that its 'Team Edward and Bella FTW!'"

"You do realise you're going to jail…right?" Ilsa asked

Fredwood and Stella look at the detectives confused "What?"

"Your going to jail and you wont be seeing each other, or anyone else for that matter, for a very long time" Alaesha taunted.

"There were a lot of Jacob fans out there, who knows, you might even get some on the jury, or in jail"

Alaesha pulls Ilsa to a corner in the room "What are you doing? Why are you telling them that Jacob fans are going to be in their jail?"  
Ilsa shrugged "I'm just being a bitch"

Alaesha nodded in acceptance "Ok"  
They arrested Fredwood and Stella.

***  
The Detectives stood around the squad room, congratulating each other on a job well done when they saw Alex Cabot walk in and look at them  
"Go arrest Stephanie Meyer"  
Every looked at one another confused "Oh what ground?" Captain Cragen ask her.  
"Facilitation of murder" Alex said folding her arms over her chest  
"How is that going to hold up in court!" Cragen asked flabbergasted

"It's simple, If she had never written the stories then those kids wouldn't have become obsessed with it and Jaceb White would still be alive.

The detectives sigh and leave the squad room. Heading to where Stephanie Meyer lives.

***

Ilsa and Alaesha exit the house dragging a kicking and screaming Stephanie Meyer between them  
"Why are you arresting me!" me Stephanie screamed and she struggled against the hold they had on her.

"Because if you had never come up with the those stupid ideas for books those kidswouldn't gotten obsessed and they would never have murdered that boy!" the detectives yelled, tried of having to explain to everyone.

They put Stephanie in the back seat and they sat in the front, turning on the engine. Stephanie Meyer looked out the window to the full moon in the night sky and a single tear rolled down her cheek…


End file.
